Hopefully you’re reading this already knowing that it’s a sarcastic post. I’m not actually going to tell you how to piss off your CEO in the hopes that you do one day, but rather show you what will unnerve him/her so much that he/she will be forced to fire you (if not kill you). Avoid making these enormous blunders at all costs.
1) Show up late. There’s no better way to say “I’m ready!” than to show up 15 minutes late to work each day during your first week. I’ve seen it – this guy must have really regretted taking this job, otherwise, I think he’d have made a minimal effort to show up on time (if not early) his first week. It also didn’t help that he came to work in ripped jeans and a white T. Since when does Bruce Springsteen work in my office?
2) Don’t pay attention. When your boss is talking to you, do whatever you can to make him/her feel like they’re alone in the room. And I mean literally alone, like talking to themselves. Look down at your smartphone, out the window, spin around in your chair a few times. Whatever you have to do to get the point across that you don’t care. This is sure to get you canned, each and every time.
3) Talk back. Every boss loves it when employees undermine them. Make sure you let him/her know that whatever they are blaming you for, you want to put the blame back on them. Really let the CEO know how you feel. Just imagine every day in the office is a rage-a-holics anonymous meeting, and these conversations are where you should be venting all your frustrations. You’ll be a shoe-in for Employee of the Month.
4) Take no responsibility for your actions. Lost an account? No problem, blame it on the client. Sexually harass someone in the workplace? Chalk it up to a misunderstanding. Download a bunch of porn to your office computer? “I didn’t do it – I must have a virus”. That line always works.
5) Show an utter lack of regard for the company your CEO built. Make sure your boss knows you have no interest in sticking around past 3 months because you could care less about the product their building, let alone the public’s perception of the organization. Defacing the building, blasting them on social media, taking the company handbook to the bathroom with you – those are a few fantastic ways to show your allegiance.